Don’t be afraid

One of the biggest things about the changes I have made since I came back to the UK has been facing my fears. For years I have been afraid of my body, been afraid of doing things I might enjoy because I’ll look all sweaty and yukky and ick. Been afraid of ordering food that I want because it’ll just make me feel guilty afterwards. More recently I’ve been afraid of hurting my knees, and I noticed myself not striding out like I did as a teenager. Seriously, not only had I stopped dressing like the semi-goth-skater thing I was in my early twenties, I’ve stopped walking like myself! I freaked out when I realised I was walking and moving like a woman 40 years older than me.

Fuck that. Fuck that all the way to my coffin.

So, what did I do? I started swimming. I adore swimming. It shows off the every important boobs, you see. Plus I can do it and swim faster than some thin and skinny people. The muscles I have count for a lot more in the water than they do in the gym. I swam every day before work, but it took a long time to feel the benefits. Yet the mere act of doing it made me less scared of using those public changing rooms, of exposing my body in the pool. I desensitised myself to the lack of privacy and overcame my problem. Just doing that for 2 months, and working it in to my daily routine has made a massive difference.

And yet I understand that ‘just do it’ is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do. People in this world are afraid of all sorts of things, and for me the biggest fear has grown to be wasting my time on this earth. It is a morbid thought for a twenty-something, but it is one of the biggest motivators I could have.

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~ by Pewter on June 21, 2008.

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