Wobbling Your Self Confidence

Looking back at a time of your life that you are less than proud of is always a difficult thing. Hearing other people’s comments, especially those of your harshest critics, is a sure fire way to find yourself nervous and panicking. After reading some comments of some ex-friends on a photo of myself from when I was 18, it took all of 30 seconds (after my head had already dismissed them as in the past and not to be worried about) for my emotional side to start grumbling and being resentful. I was 18, and had always been a loner. I didn’t know how to dress myself – I didn’t know how to be goth or alternative, I just made do with what I had.

I hung around with some people that I thought were cool, and spent my first semester being very drunk and very stoned. Luckily, since then, I made a lot of very good friends although I’ve also managed to lose touch with a lot of people.  Yet your confidence wobbles, when you’re reminded of the way you behaved and the gut-wrenching fear of putting yourself out there to get to know strangers when you have no self esteem and don’t ‘fit in’ with the ‘pretty skinny freshman’ ideal. The shame of looking at yourself in the mirror and not seeing anything pretty, feminine or attractive look back at you.  The six years that have passed since that phase vanish in a flash – no longer are you part of a loving couple, with good friends and family, and happy if mediocre future ahead of you. You’re an 18 year old misfit without the experience or ambition to make the best of what she’s got, and you’re sure your scummy group of ‘friends’ is avoiding you.

It took me three hours to get over that. Then I saw a brief glimpse of myself in formal wear at a wedding this past weekend, and my brain did the old ‘when did I get THAT fat’. As yes, I am that fat. Also my make up was hideous, but that was to be expected as I’m still learning that. My self confidence has wobbled, but it does not fall.

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~ by Pewter on August 28, 2008.

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