Why am I happy?

I was sorting through my clothes. I have a bunch of stuff from yester year which I would never wear if I could fit into it, so wanting to fit into it again is completely dumb. I found some jeans that I had actually been wearing earlier this year and discarded as too small when I took the plunge and purchased some size 24 and 26 (UK sizes) replacement jeans. They were snug, but they fitted without camel toe. I was pleased.

I still don’t know if I’m pleased because I fit into these size 20 jeans again, or because it means I have more choices in my wardrobe again. Am I pleased because of the weight loss or because of the choice? Intellectually I want it to be the latter, but it is so hard to overcome years and years of self hate and wishing. A long time wish was fulfilled, and my automatic reaction was to be pleased, despite the fact that I’m talking myself into the fact that numbers don’t matter.

I wish it was was the other way around, and I AM glad that I now have 3 pairs of jeans to wear instead of 2.

On another note, I was watching a THS about the Friends cast this morning. Matthew Perry was talking about the fuss that people were making over his weight loss, and the trouble he had with people talking about it, because he didn’t want to lose weight. He was struggling with vicodin addiction, and that was his reason for losing weight. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in that position. I’m still struggling with people commenting on my body changes at the moment. One woman, who works as a carer and catches my bus, was saying how I always looked good anyways. She still thought I should try to be more ‘healthy’ anyways. I shrug it off and say thank you, but more than once I’ve made my points about diets not working for me, and heavy exercise regimes being hard to control.

I think I had a positive effect. When I started belly dancing she made more of a fuss over the fact that I was brave enough to go, when she wouldn’t have the confidence to do something like that on her own. The fact that I could do that at all was what was important to her, and she said it without the unsaid ‘at your weight’

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~ by Pewter on June 7, 2009.

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