Late diagnosis. Argh

•June 11, 2009 • 5 Comments

I had an ultrasound to test for PCOS back in September. They never called me back about it, so I kinda assumed everything would be fine. I asked my Doctor about it today,  after I’d gotten my referral to a physio, and he said that I had some small follicles showing, and would be well advised to persue a low GI diet. Other than that he wasn’t going to take any action because I wasn’t looking to conceive likeomgnow.

Seriously, not that I’m happy to maybe have PCOS, but as a commentator said earlier, it’s better to know something about it than not. And I apparently have early or low impact signs. Going through websites, I have hirstutism. I have break outs. I have milia. I have depression and low energy, and I have wild mood swings. I have an implant for contraception, and that might explain away my irregular (and occasionally double) periods. Argh.

I’m heading along to the sexual health clinic to get my bc sorted out, and will be making another appointment with the Nurse to discuss PCOS with her. She was also concerned about my thyroid. So. Yeah. Argh.

As for my knees, my kneecaps may well be misaligned. And yes, weight was mentioned, even after I pointed out that I’m already ‘active’ and I already eat a balanced and moderate diet. Urgh.

I am finishing every sentance with an annoyed throwing up of my hands and an ‘argh’. Sorry, I can’t seem to stop that right now. Argh.

othorexia nervosa : When being ‘healthy’ creates unhealthy weightloss

•June 10, 2009 • 1 Comment

Matthew Fort: Too much health food points to a social malaise | Life and style | guardian.co.uk.

Honestly I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry, but this quote in particular caught my eye.

I’d have to plead guilty to most of those notionally, except for feeling incredibly guilty when I eat something that indulges my grosser appetites, and the weight loss provision. Try as I might, I don’t seem to be able to achieve that. It’s probably just as well; the weight loss associated with obsessive orthorexia nervosa can be dangerous.

Knee Problems and Weight

•June 10, 2009 • 9 Comments

I am fucking terrified, pardon my klatchian. My mother spent most of my teen years in pain, unable to walk far because her knees hurt. In the last 3 years she has had three operations on her knees, two partial replacements and a full replacement of her joints. She is approximately 55, which is very young for this operation.

I am 26. Since I increased in size from an 18/20 to a 20/22 and more recently to a 20/22 (UK sizes), I have had increasing twinges in my knees. They click when I go upstairs. The final straw was yesterday when I was at the gym. I’m doing a 100 miles in one month challenge, and it was raining – hence the elliptical machine, treadmill, and spinner/exercise bike. The treadmill? Fine. The Elliptical Trainer? Fine. The bike? Ow. It wasn’t blinding pain, but it was a definite feeling that something was just not right.

I’ve been very mood swingy the past couple of days. Money problems, and dissatisfaction with my job have upset my careful equilibrium. On the treadmill and the elliptical machine I simple put my music on, closed my eyes, and concentrated on my breathing. Great stress buster. Not as good as a walk along the top of the Malverns.

Malvern hills - one of my walks

Malvern Hills

Anyways, after the gym and sitting down yesterday evening all freshly laundered, my right knee was still aching slightly. I placed my hand over the knee cap and flexed the knee and the movement feels horribly rough and the worry of what happened to my mother just piled in on me. I have so much stuff that I love doing, and things I’d love to do again (like horse riding) that the thought of the pain my mother has gone through landing on me even sooner in my life than it did in hers was just….too much. An hour of sobbing and hating myself for getting fat enough to damage my knees was what ensued.  A really low moment. In the past, to calm myself down I would have had something to drink, made a cup of tea, or snacked on bread & butter.

This time my SO was there, and hugged me, and persuaded me to call up the doctor and make an appointment. I haven’t done this yet. I’m a little terrified of being told I need to lose weight and that my knee problem is my fault for eating too much. Blah. I don’t like that I fell into thinking like that about my weight. Aside from the correlation between increasing in weight and the onset of knee pain, there is nothing to say that this was brought about by being fat. It could simply be from training badly.

😦

Etsy Spotlight: Jibri Online

•June 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been a-hunting etsy for plus size fines for well over 12 months now, and 2 things delight me: Plus sizes at no extra cost, and plus size models.

Jibri Online delivers both! The work of designer Jasmine Elder is for ladies of sizes from 14-24, and is available through her etsy store, as well as two boutiques in Atlanta (NV-U and Controversy). She uses fat and fabulous models to advertise her clothing, and her vision definitely seems to be body positive. Many plus size designers fail because they spend their time trying to hide fat. Jibri does not do this, her clothes celebrate the body. Including the belly.

She also does custom measurements for her garments, and most pieces seem to come in an array of colours. I have two particular favourites myself – a swing dress that makes me wish I had smaller boobs. I just can’t get away with swing garments, I look like I’m trying to hide my curves instead of love them. And I wish I had $120 to spare for this gorgous wrap dress in a teal print. That is my perfect wrap dress.

In the grand scheme of things, Jibri’s line is not particularly groundbreaking, but it is truly refreshing to see such fat and fabulous models wearing clothes that I could wear. Igigi’s perfect models don’t come close for me, when trying to figure out what something will look like.

New UK Health Secretary puts his ‘weight’ behind preventative measures

•June 8, 2009 • 1 Comment

Oh the puns! Andy Burnham, the UK’s new Health Secretary, wants to trim ‘soaring’ health care bills, caused by diabetes and a heart conditions, by putting more money into swimming and other activities. Now I have nothing against making sports and such activities cheaper and more available for all. A gym membership is an expensive thing, and swimming regularly can really hit the monthly budget.

He also did this literally days after his appointment as replacement Health Secretary was announced

I do applaud that whole making it cheaper thing, I do. Yet I can see it becoming another stone to throw at fatties, no matter their lifestyles, another stick to beat us with. OMG IT’S SO CHEAP WHY CAN’T YOU LOSE WEIGHT. Not to mention again the implied correlation between ‘weight’ and those mentioned health problems.

I would like to see the Health Secretary, one day, acknowledge that being fat should not be demonised, or painted as something to ‘prevent’. We’re still human, and I can’t change my metabolism and DNA anymore than I can change my ‘real’ hair colour or the size of my feet.

Why am I happy?

•June 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I was sorting through my clothes. I have a bunch of stuff from yester year which I would never wear if I could fit into it, so wanting to fit into it again is completely dumb. I found some jeans that I had actually been wearing earlier this year and discarded as too small when I took the plunge and purchased some size 24 and 26 (UK sizes) replacement jeans. They were snug, but they fitted without camel toe. I was pleased.

I still don’t know if I’m pleased because I fit into these size 20 jeans again, or because it means I have more choices in my wardrobe again. Am I pleased because of the weight loss or because of the choice? Intellectually I want it to be the latter, but it is so hard to overcome years and years of self hate and wishing. A long time wish was fulfilled, and my automatic reaction was to be pleased, despite the fact that I’m talking myself into the fact that numbers don’t matter.

I wish it was was the other way around, and I AM glad that I now have 3 pairs of jeans to wear instead of 2.

On another note, I was watching a THS about the Friends cast this morning. Matthew Perry was talking about the fuss that people were making over his weight loss, and the trouble he had with people talking about it, because he didn’t want to lose weight. He was struggling with vicodin addiction, and that was his reason for losing weight. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in that position. I’m still struggling with people commenting on my body changes at the moment. One woman, who works as a carer and catches my bus, was saying how I always looked good anyways. She still thought I should try to be more ‘healthy’ anyways. I shrug it off and say thank you, but more than once I’ve made my points about diets not working for me, and heavy exercise regimes being hard to control.

I think I had a positive effect. When I started belly dancing she made more of a fuss over the fact that I was brave enough to go, when she wouldn’t have the confidence to do something like that on her own. The fact that I could do that at all was what was important to her, and she said it without the unsaid ‘at your weight’

DailyBurn | Health At Every Size

•June 6, 2009 • Leave a Comment

DailyBurn | Health At Every Size.

I am tracking my exercise and nutrition out of interest, and along with some of the folks from the fathletes community on livejournal, have started up a HAES group at dailyburn.com. Too many of these fitness websites are focused purely on weight loss, so I wanted to create a group for people who want to exercise and increase their fitness without the emphasis on weight loss or body shame.

Feel free to join!